Hair Hat Feud

November 6th, 2012 Posted in Uncategorized

In the wash of stagnant water

In the eddies and the froth

In the trickles and the prickles

In the spurts of Redcliffe wrath

By the Premier Off Licence

Near the church and near the school

Guild of Milliners assembled

Hats off to them as a rule.

It was near the sugar candy

Red and white pole turning round

Telling us that barbers grandly

Advertise without a sound.

Like the rock you buy at seasides

It could hollow out your teeth

While you’re witness to the tides

And scissors chopping underneath.

Red for blood and white for toothpaste

Barbers performed surgery

Which the milliners defaced

By covering their artistry.

Taste of peppermint – detergent

That’s adept for our whitening

If the cap fits it is urgent

Under the carpet – frightening

Scary absence of the hair louse

Hid beneath the shrouds of hat

Knitted nits in fitted farmhouse

Where the barber smells a rat

In the wash of stagnant water

By the Eddies millinery

Near the gorgeous Osborne porter

Numismatic you can see

Came a rinse that bore reflection

Came a quince that smelt of juice

Came a prince whose predilection

Wouldn’t wince in styling mousse

In the wake of barges steaming

To their tow-ropes’ trusted tug

Someone spake but no one heard him

Gave a speech then gave a glug.

Plane tree pom pom hit the gutter

Rolling readily along

With no words that you could utter

Harnessed wind to sing his song

‘It will come out in the wash’

The oracles have informed us

The hairdresser's rather posh

Yet he will not stand for fuss.

In the square the hatters partied

Noticing the turning pole

Where the waters were unchartered

They’re not here to take a stroll.

By the cavalier hair sculpture

By the castles in the air

Barbers damned milliners’ culture.

To the hatters that’s not fair.

‘How do you propose to clothe it -

This monstrosity of hair -

When the serious must loathe it

Sitting in the barber’s chair?’

Thus did state the chief milliner

With his headstrong rhetoric

Barber bounced back something sim’lar

‘Who wants hats you dismal Dick?’

The feud between the hair and hats

Exuded such competition

Twisted temperaments tied in plaits

Required renewed condition.

‘We’ll take you to court’ the hat chief

Ranted raising crazy stakes.

‘Just as you wish’ with some relief

The barber knew what it takes

To turn the curls in inns of court

And place in pins the judges

Whose wigs he makes up as he ought

And from his sins ne’er budges.

On the pavement lands the pom pom

Alien from outer space

Jack the hatter picked it up, from

Kicking feet to frowning face.

‘I could make a helmet like this’

Said young Jack and gave a wink.

‘Each symmetrical spoke-spike is

Trendier than you might think.’

‘Who would wear your bold creation?

Hair round here is set in stone.

Cavalier celebration

Of such style is yours alone.’

‘Do you not see? It’s around head.’

The inventor demonstrates.

‘Verily I’m glad I found it

Spherical– as round as plates.’

‘It’s not for wearing out of doors’

Said Jack, firmly, ‘instead

Inside that barber’s shop of yours

Set it square upon each head’

‘For what purpose?’ cried the hatters

‘Barbers take our business by

Making hair so ostentatious

Wearing hats is pie in sky.’

‘When the wash has reached fruition

Every splosh is overkill

Now bigosh it is my mission

To cut and dry the barber’s bill.’

Jack happily responded

Rubbing sticks to make his mark

Just as the extensions bonded

He exploited plane tree bark.

Corinthian columns crown

The capital of Bristle

With plane tree pom pom’s posh renown

Under the toe of mistle

Thus was made the first hair dryer

Styled upon the pom pom plant

When the wisdom hits the fire

Perms pervade each ancient aunt.

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