Plog, 22nd July 2013: Gentle with yourself

July 22nd, 2013 Posted in Uncategorized

Sometimes it seems as though the universe is responding to my willingness to use writing as therapy by heaping medical conditions onto my depleted body and seeing whether I can cure myself.  Until I could be confident of that, I was hesitant to share this on my blog, but after a fortnight of lowering my blood sugar levels whilst omitting to take insulin, I feel my confidence returning.

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” - Lama Yeshe - Copy

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” – Lama Yeshe

Here is a post I prepared for you in May:

Today I am thinking about aging and the advantages I gain from contracting type 1 diabetes at, what I consider an early age.  Of course most type 1 diabetics are born with the hereditary condition, so I am told I am lucky to have had over forty years without it.  Being diagnosed with an incurable disease is not fortunate at any age.  Anyhow, this morning I wrote a sonnet:

Veteran

I must be grateful for my time I’m told

and those who help me prolong the delay

of death, while life convinces me I’m old,

gaining a preview of my own decay.

This should not happen to any person

this slow depletion speeded up  by fate

and losing energy cannot worsen

the incapacity I dread to hate.

I suppose I must consider myself

fortunate to learn at such a young age

how to deteriorate in my health

and still have many years to grow a sage.

And do you want to know something?  I do.

So now we’ve dealt with me – how about you?

27.05.13 © Katrina

That said, it is still hard on a day-to-day basis to know all activities have to be compensated for by food and insulin injections.  Fortunately I am not a great foodie and find starvation easy, but diets are not something I want to indulge in.  I am virtually living on powdered milk at the moment and have never liked it; but am told it is vital for the bones.  I do not much want to see my skeleton.

Everything is such an effort and I am told diabetics’ priority is to eat carbohydrates; but they are what give me prolonged high blood sugar levels, which are what diabetes is.  All my brain wants is sugar, so I can live on ripe fruit.  As long as I do not exercise I can survive, poorly.

If I want to do anything else, I have to torture myself with injections.

Still I am grateful for the choice to live.  Although it feels as though things can only get better, I am told I can only become more dependent on insulin or lose my feet and eyesight.  This is not an exaggeration.

I feel like a spoilt American tennis player: ‘You cannot be serious’.  The umpire’s decision is final.  He has prescribed a lot of insulin.

So if I take it all at once . . .

I am not looking for a diabetic role model.

Please understand insulin is just not worth the distress.

Dependency for life is not my choice of a waddle

Into a well fed compound that gives you more pain for less.

I just want people to stand up for themselves and their right

Not to live with diabetes if they do not want to.

For myself I want voluntary euthanasia.

21.05.13 © Katrina

Well played all.

I just want to let you know, it was insulin itself which was driving me mad.  I have an extremely strong life force, which will always work out the best way forward.  Self-sufficiency is my answer.

Let me never use paradox as an excuse to equivocate.  I would like to share my self-sufficiency with anyone, who can gain from enriched interaction.

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  1. Karen Harvey
    25. July 2013

    Dear Katarina,
    I somehow missed your May post and I can see your struggle to come to terms with your diabetes. It is a major life changing condition and not something to be taken lightly but like most things, in time one learns to live with it.
    Our granddaughter who lives with us was diagnosed when she was just over 2. We were in shock. 3 days in hospital to stabilise her condition and while we, her 4 grandparents were taught to monitor her blood glucose and give injections then back home with a telephone number if we were unsure. A steep learning curve indeed. Since then we insisted on being taught carbohydrate counting so that we could vary her diet and let her have treats and now at 7 she does most of her own injections (under supervision of course.)
    I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy, it’s always in the back of our minds but she is a picture of health and as bouncy as most 7 year olds.
    When our guinea pig became diabetic (and it was at her suggestion that we took him to the vet, she just ‘knew’) we sat down together and wrote about it. She wrote a very moving poem which told me much more about her feelings about her own health as that of her pet which made space for a conversation about her feelings.
    Keep writing dear friend, both personally and with/for others. I journal about my troubles and joys which helps me process things and make decisions and I suffer far less from the debilitation depression which than I used to, episodes are much shorter and somewhat milder.

  2. Katrina
    25. July 2013

    Dear Karen

    I am so flattered that somebody sensitive with as much experience of caring for someone with diabetes as you has taken the trouble to respond in such detail.

    Your granddaughter is extremely fortunate to live with people, who can enable her to develop her own interests without becoming preoccupied with diabetes.

    For someone with late onset autoimmune type 1 diabetes in adults, it is encouraging to hear of such vitality in young life.

    This morning it is three weeks since I stopped taking insulin after four years of misdiagnosis as type 2, followed by 11 months of torturing treatment. Finally, I took the initiative as a full year approached to find out for myself if I can nurture my immune system back to health.

    So far it is working, but I am cautious. Today I emailed Dr Jo-Won Yoon at the Rosalind Franklin Comprehensive Diabetes Center in Chicago, to inquire further into Autoimmune Destruction of Pancreatic ß Cells.

    There are advantages and disadvantages to having forty years of life experience before learning of this sabotage to ones energy system. Knowing what I am missing strengthens my determination to recover if at all possible and provides me with the mental capacity to prepare for failure if my insulin-production is indeed permanently destroyed.

    I wish the happiest summer ever to your granddaughter in the beautiful country of Wales!

    Katrina

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